The Gay B C’s of Sex: G Is for Gold Star Lesbian – www.autostraddle.com
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Welcome to The Gay B C’s of Sex! Each month I’m defining a different sex-related term that’s used within the queer community. I’m crafting these definitions with help from queer archives, pop culture, interviews, and more. Keep in mind that terminology — especially when it comes to sex — varies widely across communities, and no single definition or article can encapsulate every individual’s experience with these terms. Use this column as a jumping off point for your own reflection and conversation in the comments.
“Gold star lesbian” might sound like a cute phrase you’d slap on a T-shirt during pride month, but for many LGBTQ+ folks, this term hurts! Put on your lesbian hard hats — we’re about to enter dangerous territory. First, here’s our definition:
gold star lesbian (n.) — a lesbian who has never had sex with a cis man
“And I fucking lost my lesbian gold star.” — Nessa in Season 8, Episode 8 of Shameless
Gold Star Lesbians: A Brief Media History
According to multiple slang dictionaries, the term “gold star lesbian” originated in the US in the 1990s. The earliest written documentation I could find comes from the 1995 book Revolutionary Laughter: A World of Women Comics (but I’m assuming the term had been used in conversation and in independent queer publications for years before that). The book quotes a stand-up act by lesbian comedian Carol Steinel, who said, “I’m not, in fact, a gold star lesbian — that’s a lesbian who’s never slept with a man. No, I know it’s shocking, but it’s true — I did, once, accidentally sleep with a man. For a year.” Badum tss.
A quick note: While Steinel and other lesbian writers and performers of the 1990s usually said that a “gold star lesbian” is “a lesbian who’s never slept with a man,” my definition at the top of this article is a little more specific: “A lesbian who has never had sex with a cis man.” That’s because based on the context clues around many of these early definitions, “cis” was implied. Of course, like with any queer terminology, there’s some disagreement as to what exactly “gold star lesbian” means — I’ll be covering alternate definitions below.
Eventually, the straights caught onto the meaning of “gold star lesbian.” According to a Facebook post from The Howard Stern Show, radio personality Howard Stern referred to lesbian singer/songwriter Melissa Etheridge as a “gold star lesbian” when she appeared on a 1998 episode. Stern then initiated a game called the “Gold Star Contest,” in which “the crew attempted to guess which female contestant lived up to that same standard.” Yikes.
In 2006, the term made its way onto the original L Word series. Here’s some dialogue from Season 3, Episode 7 (“Lone Star”):
Carmen: You’re just jealous ’cause my girlfriend and I are two gold stars that have found each other.
Kit: What’s a gold star?
Bette: Oh, it’s someone who’s gay who’s never had sex with a person of the opposite sex.
Carmen: Yeah, people who bump uglies with uglies.
We’ll come back to this dialogue in a bit. Why does this term hurt some folks in the LGBTQ+ community? Let’s get into it:
1. It’s purist.
First, let me be very clear: There’s nothing wrong with being a lesbian who’s never had sex with a cis man. When that’s presented as a fact about someone’s sexual history, that’s fine! If you feel happy and privileged to be someone who has never had sex with a cis man because you’ve always known that cis men aren’t your jam, that’s great!
But here’s the rub (or shall I say, the trib): When the term we use has the words “gold star” in it, a simple fact about a person’s sexual history is suddenly imbued with a sense of achievement, as if a “gold star lesbian” is somehow better, more righteous, more pure, more queer than, say, a bisexual person, a pansexual person, or a lesbian who’s previously had sex with cis men. And we all know that’s not true. Lesbian, pan, and bi folks aren’t “less queer” or “less valid” in their queer identities if they currently have sex with cis men or formerly had sex with cis men.
In fact, it’s entirely possible that the lesbianest lesbian you know had sex with a cis man at some point — maybe with lots of cis men. Maybe they were once in a “straight” marriage. Maybe they’re still in a “straight” marriage or a “straight” relationship and they’re continuing to have sex with their cis dude partner during their lesbian awakening. Those lesbians are still lesbians, and they’re just as worthy as their “gold star” peers.
2. It’s been used to justify biphobia.
I hope you’re still wearing your lesbian hard hats, ‘cause this one’s a doozy. While the most common slang dictionary definition of “gold star lesbian” is “a lesbian who has never had sex with a man,” there’s another definition I came across that’s much more narrow: “A lesbian who has never had sex with a man or a bisexual woman.” Huh? Why should any lesbian earn a “gold star” for avoiding sex with bisexual women or bisexual people in general? This means of reaching “gold star” status implies that there’s something “wrong” (Less “pure?” Less “queer?”) with bisexual women and the lesbians who have sex with them. It leans on the falsehood that bisexual women are somehow “tainted,” “going through a phase,” or eager to leave their lesbian partners once they find the perfect straight, cis guy.
3. It’s been used to justify transphobia.
Remember that dialogue from The L Word (“someone who’s gay who’s never had sex with a person of the opposite sex“…”people who bump uglies with uglies“)? Back in 2006, our fictional friends Carmen and Bette seemed to have a pretty narrow definition of lesbian sex, and they’re not alone. Some real people in the real world have interpreted “gold star lesbian” to mean “a vulva-owning lesbian (presumably, a cis woman) who only has only had sex with other vulva-owning people (presumably, cis women).” And again — by this definition, what should be a fact about someone’s sexual history becomes an achievement when the words “gold star” are attached. And why should some lesbians earn “gold stars” for exclusively interacting with vulvas? There are plenty of lesbian women, trans folks, and intersex folks with different genital setups. According to the genital-focused definition of “gold star lesbian,” those folks and their partners are denied “gold star” status. Thus, by this definition, their lesbian identities are considered less “authentic” (or at least less worthy of “gold stars”) than the identities of their peers who exclusively, in the words of Carmen de la Pica Morales, “bump uglies with uglies.”
Please adjust your lesbian hard hats, because there’s about to be a risk of falling debris — and by “debris,” I mean TERFs.
The most vile example of the genital-focused and/or assigned-“sex”-at-birth-focused definition of “gold star lesbian” comes from a deeply transphobic, irresponsibly reported 2021 BBC article, which insinuated that cis lesbians are being “pressured” into having sex with trans women. The article described cis lesbian porn performer Lily Cade as a “gold star lesbian” in connection with Cade’s refusal to have sex with trans women on or off camera — because that’s how Cade had been describing herself. Cade went on to publish a series of blog posts advocating for violence against trans women, and the BBC removed Cade’s quotes from the article (partially due to the blog posts and partially due to previous allegations of “sexual misconduct” against Cade…which the BBC knew about before the article was published). Cade seems to believe that having sex with a trans woman would revoke Cade’s “gold star” or make her “less” of a lesbian.
These are just three reasons why the term “gold star lesbian” makes some queer and trans folks feel outcast and hurt, but trust me — I could go on. For now, here’s a reminder for all the lesbians out there who’ve been burned by “gold star” gatekeepers: Your genitals, your partners’ genitals, your sexual history, and your partners’ sexual history aren’t what make you a lesbian. Also, bi, queer, and pan folks — and anyone else who considers yourself part of the LGBTQ+ community — your identities are just as important and just as authentically queer as any self-proclaimed “gold star.” If you’re stuck in a “I’m not queer enough” loop, here are some Autostraddle resources worth checking out:
You Are Queer Enough by Tiara Dee
Competitive Queerness Gives Me the Ick by Yash
And friend, if you’re someone who’s found pride and comfort in calling yourself a “gold star lesbian,” I love that you feel good about your sexual and romantic choices, AND I hope you’ll remember this: Your queer identity is no more important or authentic than anyone else’s. Don’t we all deserve gold stars for beautifully and bravely being ourselves?
