Sexplain It Live: I Can’t Help Feeling ‘Too Gay’ or ‘Not Gay Enough’ – Men’s Health
I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It. To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form.
This is an edited and condensed transcription from last week’s “Sexplain It Live,” which was recorded on Men’s Health’s Instagram. I was joined by psychotherapist Anita Astley, M.ED., LMFT author of Unf*ck Your Life and Relationships: How Lessons from My Life Can Help You Build Healthy Relationships from the Inside Out.
How do you navigate and deal with feelings of queer inadequacy, like you aren’t gay enough or you’re too gay?
AA: I think that has to go back to your own sense of sexuality. You have to be comfortable where you are in your gayness, if that’s correct to say. You have to accept it, embrace it, and share it with others—people that don’t give a fuck. But I know, in terms of working with gay men, that there is a sense of where do I fit in—in this journey—in my sexuality. And that’s a function of age. How old are you? How many experiences have you had? How comfortable are you? Are you out as gay with your family, friends, and support group? Because I think if you nurture that type of support group and are comfortable with your sexuality, then that’s what you’re gonna bring to a relationship. And who cares what other people think? You’ve gotta be comfortable in your own process, in your own journey.
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ZZ: One thing I thought was interesting in his question: It wasn’t am I too gay or not gay enough; it was both. And there’s something to be said about that. But first of all, what does that even mean? Does that mean you watch too much Rupaul’s Drag Race or not enough Rupaul’s Drag Race?
AA: Yeah.
ZZ: I think his struggle stems from who he surrounds himself with. There are so many tribes within the gay community. While we always poke fun at the difference between otters, bears, twinks, and jocks, there is a reason we’re obsessed with tribes: It shows that there is not one type of [way to be] gay. There are so many subsets of gay identity within the gay community. It’s important to surround yourself with your tribe and your people, so you don’t feel insecure. You don’t feel like, “Oh, I’m being too flamboyant in the way I speak because I’m with all these masculine jock gay dudes who are femme-phobic,” or the opposite. So I think it’s good to surround yourself with other men where you feel comfortable expressing who you are.
AA: Yes!
ZZ: And remind yourself that there’s not one way to be gay.
AA: There are multiple ways to be gay!
ZZ: So if your friends tell you that you need to “tone it down” because you’re being “too gay,” these are not your friends. These are not your people.
AA: These are not your people! You gotta move on [and find your people]!
ZZ: Exactly, and one thing to add: Many gay men have internalized homophobia that they haven’t dealt with, and they project [these insecurities] onto other gays in the community.
AA: Absolutely.
ZZ: And then what happens is you feel like you’re not adequate. You’re not gay enough, or you’re too gay. So, in addition to finding your tribe, I want you to redefine, for yourself, what it means to be gay. Really expand your definition of what gay identity can entail.
AA: Yes, and also identifying where you are in your process of gayness. Right? Have you just come out to your friends or family, or have you been out for five, ten years but are still struggling with that identity? It’s okay to get some help. Go see a professional. Go see a therapist. Talk about it. You have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about, but know that you will not be in this position forever. You will grow in various ways with your sexuality like everyone does.
ZZ: Exactly.
AA: So it’s also about being comfortable with the process. It’s about accepting where we are and knowing that we will change over time. Our tribes will change over time. And as people come and go, and as we change, we want to remain confident in our [gay] identity.
Watch the full conversation here:
Zachary Zane is the author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and co-author of Men’s Health Best. Sex. Ever. He writes “Sexplain It,” the sex and relationship advice column at Men’s Health, and is editor-in-chief of the BOYSLUT Zine, which publishes nonfiction erotica from kinksters across the globe. His work has been featured in New York Times, Rolling Stone, Washington Post, Playboy, and more.