Sexplain It: Everyone Says I’m Gay. Are They Right? – Men’s Health
I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer and ethical manwhore (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner,” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form.
Dear Sexplain It,
I have a feeling that my family thinks or assumes that I’m gay. I go to grad school out of state, and I feel that they talk about me when I’m not there. Sometimes when I talk to my mom, some comments slip out and she immediately changes the subject, and I pretend that I did not hear anything or that I did not get what she said.
I grew up with sisters, I’m not into sports or cars, and I’m not a “macho” type of guy. I was bullied all the way through high school because of those things. All this bullying made me lose confidence with women because I got to a point where I assumed that everyone looked at me and thought I was gay. When I was a kid, I could tell a girl that I liked her out of the blue without any hesitation. But today, I hesitate, freeze, and get all nervous when it comes to women.
The thing is, and this is the first time I’m telling someone else this, I am attracted to guys. I never did anything about it in high school, but I decided to experiment in college. My first experience with a guy was awkward and hot at the same time, and since then, I have hooked up with a few guys.
It’s quite confusing because I’m not sure anymore if I’m either gay, bi, straight, or in denial because I enjoy having sex with men, but I don’t see myself dating or living with a guy. It’s all sex, like fulfilling a fantasy. I try to date women, but when I meet women on campus, I immediately end up in the friend zone. On dating apps, I hesitate, freeze, or come up with an excuse to sabotage the potential relationship because I have been single for such a long time, and I often question if I really want to be in a relationship.
It sounds obvious that I could be gay, but I feel that I don’t want to decide whether I’m gay or not without having any experiences with women first.
I’m reaching out because I’m not ready to discuss this with my family or my close friends. What can you recommend I should do?
— Maybe Gay
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Dear Maybe Gay,
Reading your question broke my heart. I can tell how much you’ve been struggling with your identity, and being bullied for who you are has caused a lot of pain. Thank you for having the courage to share your story with me.
I can’t tell you if you’re gay, straight, or bisexual—ultimately, that’s something only you can decide for yourself. But I don’t want you to stress about that right now, because overall, I want you to focus less on labels and how other people think you should identify, and more on what makes you feel sexually and romantically satisfied.
“If most of us are honest with ourselves, we are more dimensional than most labels allow, even when it comes to sex and love,” said Kate Balestrieri, Psy.D., founder of Modern Intimacy, when I showed her your question.
There is, for instance, a difference between sexual and romantic attraction. “You can be attracted to people of one gender for love, connection, and companionship, and people of another gender for sexual experiences,” Balestrieri said. “Sexual and romantic attraction do not always align, and while it can be confusing, it does not mean anything is wrong with you.”
If, in your heart of hearts, you want to have sex with men and pursue romantic relationships with women, that’s totally valid! But I also want you to dig deep and be honest with yourself about your truest desires, because—at the risk of overstepping—I think you might be wrestling with some internalized homophobia, the same way I used to wrestle with internalized biphobia.
I used to say I was bi-sexual and hetero-romantic, meaning I’d have sex with people of different genders, but only wanted romance with women. When I was finally honest with myself, I realized I had some internalized biphobia and wasn’t ready to admit to myself that I’m actually attracted to all genders both sexually and romantically. For many people, it feels less “daunting” to claim they’re only romantically attracted to hetero scenarios because it doesn’t impact their identity the same way. I just want you to keep an open mind as you continue to explore sexually and romantically.
I noticed in your letter that you didn’t actually say anything about having a sexual or romantic attraction to women. Do you? Or do you only want to have sex with a woman to prove some greater point about labels? If the attraction isn’t there, and you are repeatedly self-sabotaging yourself on dating apps when flirting with women, I can’t help but wonder if you truly desire women on any level.
“It seems the desire to avoid proving others right regarding the suspicion that you might be gay could be rooted in internalized homophobia, fear of judgment, or even fear of aggression, depending on your circle of close friends, family, and community,” Balestrieri said. “It may also mean some grief if you have built a future fantasy that included the hope of a female partner.”
That said, I understand the idea of “don’t knock it until you try it,” so if you decide you really do want to sleep with a woman, I think finding a fluid, queer woman is your best bet. “Queer women can be a wonderful source of friendship and possibly dating, and they may offer a wellspring of camaraderie as you explore the different dimensions of your romantic and sexual attraction,” Balestrieri said.
I’d recommend trying a queer-friendly app such as Feeld, but whatever app you’re using, write in your bio that you’re exploring your sexuality and are looking for a female partner who’s open to going on this journey with you. You’ll feel much more confident if you’re with someone who accepts your sexuality, fluidity, and ambiguity—someone who encourages you and likes you as the non-toxically-masculine person you are.
Dating apps typically make you choose a sexual orientation label, but don’t stress about your selection. Whatever you pick, know that you can change it down the road, and it doesn’t have any bearing on who you should be dating or sleeping with. (And for what it’s worth, some apps let you go with “questioning” or “bi-curious.”) Stay open to meeting people of all genders, really focusing on the connections you’re making with these folks.
IRL, you don’t ever have to settle on a label if you don’t want to. “It’s okay to be rogue and go without a label until you’re sure that one really fits—if one ever does,” Balestrieri added.
Maybe Gay, you’ve experienced a lot of homophobia in your life, but the queer community is also growing and stronger than it’s ever been. You can find romantic partners, sexual partners, and friends who support you and love you for who you are. If you decide it’s what you want, you can marry a man, have kids, and live a rich and fulfilling life. Who knows? Maybe your family and friends will support you in ways you never imagined.
I know this all sounds intimidating. I also know how challenging it can be to live with the uncertainty of “not knowing” your sexuality. But I can tell you there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I went through something very similar to you, and now I’m confident in my sexuality and have multiple partners. I think if you give yourself the freedom to explore and enjoy it without feeling this overwhelming pressure to pick a label, you’ll reach a place where you’re confident and happy with who you are.
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