My daughter came out as gay – and my wife’s reaction shocked me – msnNOW
© Mr Ned I’m delighted at her confidence – she’s happier and seems to be enjoying life in a way she’s never done before – Mr Ned
Our middle child has always been quite shy and lacking in confidence unlike her older and younger siblings. All three of them have done well career-wise, and the oldest is getting married soon, which is going to be a big celebration. My wife has been really enjoying all the preparation, especially since we’ll have friends and family getting together for the first time in ages.
Our middle daughter recently told us she was gay but is only now truly aware of it at 28. She’s in love with an old school friend who had also previously not come out. Our daughter says that for both of them it was just about finding the right person. She’d had boyfriends in the past and these relationships had never lasted very long, but nearly a year ago she bumped into this friend she hadn’t seen in years – they’d always kept in touch – and she said it was as if everything just fell into place for both of them.
I’m delighted at her confidence – she’s happier and seems to be enjoying life in a way she’s never done before. When she came home to tell us it was obvious to me straight away that something was different. She even walked and talked differently – calm, relaxed and just so bright-eyed and happy. When we sat down to dinner and she said she had something to tell us there was no sign she was worried that we might take the news of her new love badly, and although I was a bit surprised I don’t think I showed it. I just said that if she was happy then we were delighted and waited for her mum to agree. Except she didn’t.
My wife acted so shocked that you’d had thought there had been a death. At first, she said “Oh my God, I don’t believe it” three or four times and we laughed because she’s usually so calm. But then she burst into tears and all but went down on her knees, saying “Are you really sure?” It got even worse. My wife was sobbing that our daughter would never give her grandchildren and that there was still huge prejudice against gay people – though at that point our daughter did say “and most of it still in this room I think!” so at least she wasn’t cowed.
We’ve always had gay friends and they’ve been a big part of our children’s lives so I couldn’t believe my wife’s reaction. Also, we know her girlfriend and she’s lovely. This isn’t a passing phase. They’ve been together for nearly a year and are telling us and her girlfriend’s parents now because they’re planning their lives together.
My wife’s reaction really upset me and our daughter, though my daughter has been more forgiving than me. I was just shocked to the core as my wife stormed off crying. I was so angry with her I couldn’t go near her, but our daughter went upstairs to chat and my wife apologised and said she was taken totally by surprise.
However, my wife still hasn’t invited the girlfriend to the wedding or been at all welcoming… but when I say anything she starts crying and says she knows she behaved badly and storms off again, without resolving anything. The wedding is weeks away and we have to invite our daughter’s girlfriend but it can’t just come from me – we need to let our daughter see how much her happiness means to both of us. I can sort of understand the shock, but still it all seems out of character, and makes me feel as if, after all these years, I don’t know my wife at all.
Read last week’s column: My brother has left his wife – now I need to work harder on my marriage
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