Looking through childhood diary confirmed I always knew I was gay – Insider

• I was sexually abused several times throughout my life, which made it hard for me to seek intimacy. 
• The first time I remember being attracted to a woman was when I was 18. 
• Reading my diary confirmed that I knew way before then that I was gay. 

Editor’s note: This essay contains mentions of sexual abuse.

In February, I visited my family in Vancouver, Canada. It was the first time I had seen them in two years. My mother wanted me to clear the attic of my possessions. I climbed up the ladder, turned on an old lamp, picked up heavy, overflowing cardboard boxes, and passed them down through the hole in the ceiling, careful not to touch the pink fiberglass insulation. 

In the living room, I sifted through old photos and mementos. Eventually, I came across a ringed notebook with a blue-and-pink cover. Inside, there were doodles and scribbles. I flipped through the pages, finding a passage with the headline “Confessions.” I had written the account on the day before my 13th birthday. The date was February 24th, 2004.

I was shocked to read the words. At age 12, I shared my transgressions. These included stuffing my bra, buying a thong, skinny dipping, stealing, kissing a boy, having cybersex, watching porn, and writing “bitch” on a school chalkboard.

But the most moving detail was something I had no recollection of — I always knew I was gay.

I thought I didn’t know this early

I wrote that I felt strange around girls and that I thought I was a lesbian. Prior to this, I figured I hadn’t known until age 18. I was sexually assaulted many times throughout my childhood and adolescence. Sexual assault taught me that I exist to appease men. The forces of compulsory heterosexuality tricked me into believing I was straight.

Compulsory heterosexuality assumes that the only normal relationship is between a man and a woman, one that is often violently enforced in a patriarchal society. As a result, pursuing men should be of primary concern to women and girls, no matter the personal cost.

This taught me that the amount of attention boys paid to me quantified my self-worth. To be loved, I had to appease their sexual desires, no questions asked. I couldn’t conceive of enjoying sex with another person, let alone the idea that I could orgasm or even decline advances. I believed my feminine gender expression equated to being straight.

At age 18, during yearbook class, another girl’s arm brushed against mine. The collision was electric and sent shockwaves through my body. For the next two years, I frequently returned to that moment. Initially, I stopped myself whenever my mind drifted towards considering that I was queer. But, as time progressed, the truth became inescapable and unavoidable.

The truth became unavoidable as I grew older

Today, I am a 31-year-old proud, unapologetic lesbian who has been out for a decade. Finding these words confirmed that, despite everything that has happened to me, deep down, I always knew who I was.

When I first read them, my eyes welled with tears and a feeling of relief came over me. I imagined hugging my 12-year-old self and telling her that it’s not her fault, there’s nothing wrong with her and everything will be OK.

I am confident that, had the Deidre who wrote these words been exposed to healthy representations of queer love from an early age, she would have known that being gay was OK. I wish I could tell her that loving women is a superpower, an act of resistance against the patriarchal forces that shaped her life.

Deidre Olsen is an award-nominated writer based in Berlin. She is writing a memoir about self-destruction, healing and resilience.