‘I’ve dined with princes but it’s in the AA rooms that I’ve met some of the greatest’: Noel Cunningham on sobriety – Independent.ie

‘Uncle Noel, you need to sort yourself out.” The alcoholism that Noel Cunningham thought he had kept hidden was an open secret among his family, and the words of his niece cut into him like “a sword in his heart”.

That was 25 years ago, and the 67-year-old hotelier, author and TV personality – who is well known to viewers of Ireland AM on Virgin Media – has never lapsed since he started on his road to recovery.

But he still lives each day trying to stay in the moment. He doesn’t know how he would have coped if he were beginning his sobriety journey under Covid-19 restrictions. Lockdown, he says, is a painful desert for those battling with drink.

“It’s an extraordinary challenge for people,” he says, adding that over the past few months he has received many calls from those struggling through the various lockdowns.

Talking about his own addiction, he believes, helps people realise they’re not on their own, and lets them know that someone else has gone through this and come out the other side.

“Because of my own background, I was painfully aware of the journey you make as a recovering alcoholic. It’s not an easy journey in Ireland and it can be such a lonely place.

“My aunt had a theory that maybe there’s an alcoholic in all of us, that whatever that chemical imbalance is, if you feed it enough it will respond.”

“All those people in lockdown with no support, fewer AA meetings, no opportunity to go and meet with a fellow traveller in a cafe in town because you need to talk to someone to keep you away from the supermarket and getting a bottle of vodka – people are so unaware of the power of that addiction,” says Noel, who lives in the original Cunningham family home, a converted farmhouse overlooking Fintra Bay, outside the picturesque village of Kilcar in southwest Donegal. 

While the Government published new guidance for drug and alcohol support groups last October, a huge number of AA meetings have moved online. By going to the AA’s website, you can still find where meetings take place or request a link to join a Zoom meeting. However, Noel believes that many people fear going out and the social connectivity that many recovering alcoholics relied on has simply fallen away.

Noel believes his story is far from unique and that the stresses of Covid-19 may have undermined people’s resolve.

“I, who have a good handle on my sobriety, a good support group and family as well as a belief in a higher power which is intertwined with my own faith. If I had none of those positives as a recovering alcoholic, how could I face the day?

“I don’t know what the statistics are but I imagine the number of people who have fallen off the wagon is enormous,” he says.

The experts agree. Consultant psychiatrist Dr Colin O’Gara, head of addiction services at St John of God Hospital in Dublin, says the pandemic is taking its toll on recovering alcoholics.

“As soon as lockdowns have ended, we’ve seen an influx of people. When we’re in lockdown it’s quieter. This is my 15th year here and I’ve never seen this pattern before – it’s unprecedented,” he says.

“Every single day we are seeing people who’ve been sober for years but the normal support structures are not there. The working from home phenomenon was initially thought to be great. After a while people saw the realities – working longer [hours] than in the office and no contact with colleagues. The novelty wore off.

“People couldn’t go to the gym, they couldn’t go to support meetings, although there are meetings on Zoom. If you wanted lab conditions for a relapse, lockdown is it.”

Dr O’Gara believes that as soon as the pandemic is under control and life resumes in a more “normal” way, the demand for services across the board from alcohol, drugs and gambling addictions will surge. But it’s the demand for alcohol services that will impact the most because of the role of alcohol in Irish society.

The figures around alcohol sales would certainly suggest we are drinking more. The latest figures show a 57pc year on year increase in drinks sales for January.

According to Alcohol Action Ireland (AAI), the level of off-licence sales shows our homes are awash with booze and this has consistently been the pattern throughout the pandemic.

In April 2020 a Central Statistics Office Social Impact of Covid-19 survey reported that 22.2pc of those who consume alcohol said that their consumption had increased. Three out of 10 people surveyed who felt downhearted or depressed at least some of the time in the previous four weeks reported an increase in alcohol consumption since the introduction of restrictions.

In May 2020 a Red C Research ‘Attitudes to Alcohol Licensing’ survey, jointly commissioned by the Alcohol Forum and the Irish Community Action on Alcohol Network (ICAAN), found almost one-third of adults had increased their alcohol consumption since lockdown started, particularly those aged between 25-44 years old, and those with dependent children.

While 35pc of those who identified as drinkers say that they had reduced or stopped drinking since lockdown, three in 10 said their drinking had increased. 

The trend grew worse over the year. In September 2020, the Global Drugs Survey indicated that over half of people had been drinking more frequently since the onset of the pandemic, 52pc said they’d increased the number of days on which they drank, and 35pc said they were starting to drink earlier in the day.

 Dr Colin O’Gara says a cohort of people contacting them are those who have been pushed into problem drinking during the pandemic.

As restrictions lift, some drinkers may be able to cut down, but others will find it very difficult. According to addiction counsellor Austin Prior, while addiction only affects 10pc of the population, it’s important for people to realise the potential for damage without addiction.

“People who used to only drink at weekends are now drinking every night. There’s a raft of problems going on behind closed doors. For a certain percentage of people they won’t be able to stop when they want to,” he says.

When Prior talks to clients about their struggles during this time, a lot of the conversation comes back to doing what works for them in terms of mental and physical wellbeing.

“It may be getting on a Zoom meeting or getting out for a run or doing some yoga. A mindfulness practice is a really great advantage in this time.”

While Prior says some people have taken to AA Zoom meetings, there’s a reason for the old-fashioned face-to-face meetings.

“There’s the start where people gather and they chat, and the after-meeting cup of tea. These are all very important elements. For people in relationships and families, they can have a certain amount of interaction. For people living on their own, it’s very difficult. They miss that.

“In these extraordinary times, people stop taking real care of themselves. They’re not eating at regular times. These are the things we’ve got to put back into place,” he says. 

Noel Cunningham has dealt with his alcoholism by being brutally honest with himself. But there is a stigma around alcohol in this country and the shame it brings that he believes makes it harder for people to take the first steps. He’s afraid that when people do ‘fall off the wagon’ the helping hand they need to get back on might not be available.

“It brought me to the gutter – I lost everything. I understand to an extent what people are going through but everyone’s battle is their own. Alcoholism is secretive and devious. We are such connivers and we will always find a way back to alcohol if we don’t have a good grasp on it,” he says.

“We have to be painfully honest with ourselves. As you go through sobriety and to remain sober, one of the things that is very helpful is that you make amends to those you have hurt. Alcoholics live with so many regrets – you regret that you went down that road, you regret the people you hurt, the lies you told and the squandering of money and opportunities.

“You have to start battling hard to love yourself again. You have to try to find the person who disappeared with the alcohol addiction years ago.”

For Noel, growing up gay in rural Donegal and suffering abuse and bullying was a trigger for his drinking.

“I used to get the bus home from school and think ‘let me get through these few miles to my house without too much abuse’. This is not about blaming; it’s the way things were. I would have been an easy target,” says Noel.

He thought that leaving Ireland would end his suffering.

“I thought if I could just get away from Donegal – I didn’t realise you bring your problems with you. That homophobia and anti-gay feeling wasn’t just particular to Ireland. It was everywhere I went to an extent. Alcohol became something that soothed and eased the pain. It is pain. The abuse you got – both verbal and sometimes physical – it was dreadful.”

Addiction crept up on him.

“You don’t wake up and say, ‘I’m an alcoholic’. You wake up and say, ‘I made a balls of that’ or ‘I haven’t got a clean shirt to put on’ or ‘my house is dirty’. You find yourself living in inexplicable situations where you ask yourself, ‘how did I get here?’ You don’t answer that question. You reach for another drink.”

When the phone call came that his beloved sister Marie and her husband Donal had been killed in a car accident after his mother’s 70th birthday party, Noel flew home. He recalls not having the money to attend the party and being in an alcohol fog at the time. The death of his sister devastated him but he left as quickly as he could.

A year later, after the first anniversary mass in McGroarty’s pub in Donegal town, Marie’s daughter – his niece – told him he needed to sort himself out. She saw through him – through the shakes and the blotchy skin and the smell of alcohol.

“Of all the things that I will carry through my life I will never forget the absolute severity of that statement and how it pierced my heart. All of a sudden, I had clarity.

“That was my rock bottom. I had the feeling that, for someone so special to me, I’d let her down and everybody down. Marie and I were inseparable. I was looking at her daughter, who looked just like her mum, saying this to me,” he says.

He went to his first AA meeting the next day. He tidied up his affairs abroad and came back home to Donegal, moving back in with his mother Kathleen, who died five years ago at the age of 89. The AA meetings along with the support of his family gradually dulled the sense of isolation he felt.

“It’s a lot to do with human contact. Technology can’t give that sustenance and support as well as sitting down in a room with someone holding their hand,” he says.

Even though he’d left home because he didn’t feel accepted, his sobriety came first.

“My recovery taught me to be true to myself. What was more important than being accepted as a gay man was to retain my sobriety. I was focusing on being sober. I found great support in the AA rooms and that helped me accept myself. It didn’t matter I was gay because the fact was, I was in the gutter because of alcohol,” he says. 

If he hadn’t had the AA he doesn’t know how he would’ve survived because family support wouldn’t have been enough.

“I’ve met some extraordinary people in my life. I’ve dined with princes but it’s in the AA rooms that I’ve met some of the greatest. I was physically sick with shame at the first AA meeting – you’re going in a broken person, you’re like a leper and an outcast – and then someone says, ‘it’s great to see you’.”

Noel is now a sponsor to others on their road to recovery.

“I say to people it’s amazing once you decide to put the cork in the bottle, you quietly rediscover yourself and all you were before alcohol ruined your life.

“It’s not easy. It’s baby steps for some. In the early days you are grateful to say, ‘I didn’t drink today’. When the hangover lifts weeks later and you see the morning, you haven’t seen for years, you see the beauty in something you’d forgotten about.

“You’d see the value in meeting family or friends you hid from because you were afraid they’d smell alcohol on your breath.”

He believes it’s important to reach out to people who are struggling at the moment.

“Sometimes it’s as basic as coaxing someone to face the next hour. I can tell you this will pass. It does pass. I wouldn’t oversimplify it or say it’s easy – it’s not.

“You live in the day and try to convince people who need help that tomorrow will look after itself. This is the way we have to get through this,” he says.

If you have been affected by the issues raised here, please contact the HSE confidential freephone helpline on 1800 459 459, Monday to Friday, 9.30am-5.30pm.

For more information on the AA 12-step programme, call 01 842 0700; email gso@alcoholicsanonymous.ie; alcoholicsanonymous.ie

Al-Anon is a support group for those affected by someone else’s drinking, their helpline 01 873 2699 is open daily from 10am-10pm. Email info@alanon.ie or log on to al-anon-ireland.org.

Sunday Independent

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