Iran Orders COVID Vaccines To Turn Men Gay – extranewsfeed.com
An Iranian cleric’s attempt to limit vaccine distribution has backfired in a fabulous fashion.
Radical Islamist Ayatollah Abbas Tabrizian has been spreading claims that using the coronavirus vaccine will turn men into homosexuals. His goals were to make sure the country ignores modern medicine for homophobic reasons and to keep his power at the expense of citizens’ lives.
The homophobia news successfully affected Iranian’s politicians. Afraid of risking their public heterosexual image, the politicians stopped hoarding the vaccines for themselves and threw them on the streets. Multiple citizens and essential workers flocked from across Iran to gather the surplus of vaccines for themselves and for their families.
Iranian President Hassan Rouhani noticed this exponential demand for vaccines and successfully petitioned for more free vaccines from Pfizer. Rouhani beamed when relaying this fact.
“I’m so proud of Iranians taking the step together to overcome their long history of homophobia and vaccinate themselves. They have put the nation over their interests to make this country safer for gays and, more importantly, women.”
A vocal supporter of feminism, Rouhani lamented not doing enough for women’s rights during his regime. “It’s sad. The number of sexual assaults, acid attacks, and domestic abuse is alarmingly high. A woman should have to comfortably turn down a man’s romantic intentions without fear of angering him.
“I do believe that every human should have the same opportunities in life in Iran. That is how we’re going to progress as a nation,” Rouhani admitted. “However, my power is very limited in what I can do. I may be the president, but I work with other politicians who are adamant about keeping freedom restricted to men of higher status.”
Rouhani’s mindset was admirable, but we were still perplexed as to how the spread of COVID vaccines supports feminism. Rouhani smiled. “Men want the freedom to pursue sex. Unfortunately, men have been routinely deprived of sex and affection for years, and are angry that their needs aren’t being met. If there was a way to adjust their sexual preferences, the men can pursue each other and form a Grindr community. They can stop pursing and harassing women in public, making a safe community for all.
“When Tabrizian mentioned about COVID vaccine’s ability to turn people gay, we decided to roll along with his statements and aid our cause to make more gay men. I suspect he was lying, but so many people choose his words over logic and reason.”
Rouhani brought up this idea among the men’s rights group. To his surprise, the men’s rights group was in full agreement on becoming gay. The men felt it was way too expensive to take care of women nowadays (tampon and birth control pill prices are too damn high), and decided it was much cheaper to simply switch their sexual desires. Plus, it was better to be alive and gay than to be dead.
“I have killed two birds with one stone,” Rouhani beamed. “I’m getting the public on board to beat this pandemic while reducing domestic violence. The promises of more freedom for women and more sexy time for men are powerful motivators.”
Ayatollah was shocked at how willing men and women were on board with spreading homosexuality. He later released a slew of videos claiming that his original claim was made up, but his backtracking lost many followers.
The homosexual movement has become so popular, that even India considered adopting this strategy.