‘I’m marrying my gay friend so there will be someone to claim him if he dies in Ukraine war’ – iNews
The call came out of the blue, says Leda Kosmachevskaya. An old friend she had known since childhood but lost touch with since the war started, contacted her with a surprising request.
“I thought it was a joke actually,” she says. “He asked me if I was married. When I said no, he asked if I would marry him.”
Ms Kosmachevskaya’s friend already has a partner. But he is a man, and same-sex marriages are not recognised under Ukrainian law.
The friend, who prefers to remain anonymous due to sensitivities, is a soldier and had been advised he would be deployed to one of the more dangerous areas of the front line. He was ready to do what his country asked of him but something scared him more than bombs and bullets.
“His great fear was that nobody would be able to retrieve his body or bury him,” says Ms Kosmachevskaya, 33, from Kyiv. “He could be buried as an unknown person, or considered missing.”
The friend had no close family who those grim tasks would fall to, she explains, and the army would not recognise his boyfriend as next of kin.
They discussed the proposal at length, covering his wishes not to be buried in a church, organ donation, who would receive the compensation to be paid by the state, and potential complications.
Ms Kosmachevskaya considered her own boyfriend and asked for a day to think about it. She called him the next day and said yes.
“I would be happy not to get into this arrangement,” she says. “But this is the only way to help my friend.”
The process itself should be straightforward. The new couple will not be staging a ceremony, inviting guests, or cutting a cake. Ukraine has allowed soldiers away at the front to register marriages online since the inception of martial law. Ms Kosmachevskaya says it is a case of her fiance finding a moment of respite from the fighting to complete the formalities.
Reaction has been mixed. Her partner, friends, and family have been supportive and understanding of her decision. But when she posted an announcement on Facebook with a photo of herself in a white dress, the post drew criticism as well as support.
Some comments accused her of cheapening the institution of marriage. Others took the form of open homophobia.
The mixed messages echo a wider divide in Ukrainian society over LGBT rights. A poll in May found that 38 per cent of respondents held a “negative view” of LGBT communities. A survey in 2019 showed that 69 per cent of the public said no to the question “Should society accept homosexuality?”
Ukraine’s LGBT communities have often reported being targeted by homophobic harassment and violence.
But as Ukraine fights a war with Russia that its leaders frame as a battle of enlightened liberal democratic values against dark-ages barbarism, activists have seized the moment to pressure the authorities to match their words with deeds. A petition with more than 25,000 signatures demanding the legalisation of same-sex marriages was presented to President Volodymyr Zelensky In August.
President Zelensky responded that the constitution could not be changed under martial law but indicated support for reforms to introduce civil partnerships.
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Not good enough, say campaign groups that are demanding urgent action.
“This issue is not being solved by our government – they plan to discuss it only in December 2023,” said Olena Shevchenko, chair of Ukrainian LGBT group Insight. “This is not appropriate because people need protection right now. They are dying right now.”
The chair confirmed the group was aware of cases in which the bodies of LGBT soldiers were not claimed.
Ms Kosmachevskaya says she was not an active campaigner before but hopes cases such as her friends’ will help to drive change. “I hope this situation will help to resolve this issue,” she says. “I know there are many other people who are afraid to talk about this and keep silent because of negative comments.”
She also takes issue with critics saying her marriage is a sham. “Any marriage is concluded to take care of someone else, and this is what we are doing. I am trying to take care of my friend.”
The Kyivian will take the vows and become a military bride. But all parties are hoping it will be a brief match that concludes with the soldier returning from the war victorious, followed by a swift divorce.