I Tried To Stop My Son From Being Gay. I Wish I Hadn’t – TODAY
Linda Robertson originally wrote this essay in 2012, three years after her son’s death, and published it on her blog in 2013. Since then, her family’s story has spread — it was featured in the documentary, “For They Know Not What They Do” — and Robertson has become an advocate for LGBTQ inclusion in faith-based spaces. She hopes to unite parents on both sides of the issue, knowing that all parents just want what is best for their children.
Robertson is sharing her story again with TODAY given the current issues LGBTQ youth are facing, and in the hopes that her story will reach other parents who may find themselves in a similar situation.
On the night of Nov. 20, 2001, a conversation held over AOL Instant Messenger changed our lives forever. Our 12-year-old son messaged me in my office from the computer in his bedroom.
Ryan: can i tell u something
Mom: Yes I am listening
Ryan: well i don’t know how to say this really but, well……, i can’t keep lying to you about myself. I have been hiding this for too long and i sorta have to tell u now. By now u probably have an idea of what i am about to say.
Ryan: I am gay
Ryan: i can’t believe i just told you
Mom: Are you joking?
Ryan: no
Ryan: i thought you would understand because of uncle don
Mom: of course I would
Mom: but what makes you think you are?
Ryan: i know i am
Ryan: i don’t like hannah
Ryan: it’s just a cover-up
Mom: but that doesn’t make you gay…
Ryan: i know
Ryan: but u don’t understand
Ryan: i am gay
Mom: tell me more
Ryan: it’s just the way i am and it’s something i know
Ryan: u r not a lesbian and u know that. it is the same thing
Mom: what do you mean?
Ryan: i am just gay
Ryan: i am that
Mom: I love you no matter what
Ryan: i am white not black
Ryan: i know
Ryan: i am a boy not a girl
Ryan: i am attracted to boys not girls
Ryan: u know that about yourself and i know this
Mom: what about what God thinks about acting on these desires?
Ryan: i know
Mom: thank you for telling me
Ryan: and i am very confused about that right now
Mom: I love you more for being honest
Ryan: i know
Ryan: thanx
We were completely shocked. Not that we didn’t know and love gay people — my only brother had come out to us several years before, and we adored him. But Ryan? He was unafraid of anything, tough as nails, and all boy. We had not seen this coming. The emotion that overwhelmed us, kept us awake at night and, sadly, influenced all of our reactions over the next six years, was fear.
We said all the things that we thought loving Christian parents who believed the Bible — the Word of God — should say:
We love you. We will always love you. And this is hard. Really hard. But we know what God says about this, and so you are going to have to make some really difficult choices.
We love you. We couldn’t love you more. But there are other men who have faced this same struggle, and God has worked in them to change their desires. We’ll get you their books; you can listen to their testimonies. And we will trust God with this.
We love you. We are so glad you are our son. But you are young, and your sexual orientation is still developing. The feelings you’ve had for other guys don’t make you gay. So please don’t tell anyone that you ARE gay. You don’t know who you are yet. Your identity is not that you are gay — it is that you are a child of God.
We love you. Nothing will change that. But if you are going to follow Jesus, holiness is your only option. You are going to have to choose to follow Jesus, no matter what. And since you know what the Bible says, and since you want to follow God, embracing your sexuality is NOT an option.
We thought we understood the magnitude of the sacrifice that we — and God — were asking for. And this sacrifice, we knew, would lead to the abundant life, perfect peace and eternal rewards, even if it was incredibly difficult.
Ryan had always felt intensely drawn to spiritual things. He desired to please God above all else. So, for the first six years, he tried to choose Jesus. Like so many others before him, he pleaded with God to help him be attracted to girls. He memorized scripture, met with his youth pastor weekly and went to all the youth group events and Bible studies. He chose to get baptized and filled journals with his prayers. He read all the Christian books that explained where his gay feelings came from and dove into counseling to further discover the origin of his unwanted attraction to other guys. He worked through difficult conflict resolution with my husband, Rob, and me, and invested even more deeply in his friendships with other (straight) guys, just like the reparative therapy experts advised.
But nothing changed. God didn’t answer Ryan’s prayers — or ours. We all believed that the God of the Universe — the God for whom nothing is impossible — could easily make Ryan straight. But He did not.
Though our hearts may have been good (we truly thought what we were doing was loving), we did not even give Ryan a chance to wrestle with God, to figure out what he believed God was telling him through scripture about his sexuality. We had believed firmly in giving each of our four children the space to question Christianity, to decide for themselves if they wanted to follow Jesus, to truly own their own faith. But we were too afraid to give Ryan that room when it came to his sexuality, for fear that he’d make the wrong choice.