‘I Had Come Out as Gay Before I Was Ready’ – Newsweek

When I was growing up in Israel, I don’t think that being gay was as accepted as it is now. I was lucky enough to live in Tel Aviv, which is one of the most LGBTQ-friendly cities in the Middle East, but at school I had a difficult time.

Throughout middle school, I mainly hung out with girls because the boys laughed at me. While I hadn’t come out yet, I guess they just saw I was a little bit different. For me, sexuality was just something you did not mention.

My dad is very old fashioned, and while now he’s the most amazing, supportive person, back then he would make comments without realizing their impact. That’s just how it was growing up.

I don’t think I always knew I was gay; I had girlfriends as a teenager. I had some interest in men when I was around fifteen, but I didn’t explore it. It wasn’t until I went to New York for a month at the age of seventeen that I really discovered my sexuality.

Although by that stage I knew I was gay, I sort of held that in. I thought: “I’m not going to come out until I am ready; when I have found the one and I feel protected to do it.”

After high school, I joined the Israel Defense Forces, which is mandatory for every Israeli citizen over the age of 18, for a minimum of 32 months. Being in the army while hiding my sexuality was difficult.

That said, I was lucky enough to be surrounded by really nice people. They could probably see that I was a little different without me having to tell them. They never asked me about my sexuality and were very respectful and supportive throughout the process of being in the army. Overall, the army was a better experience than high school.

Moving to New York and embracing sexuality

I moved to New York when I was 20 after being accepted into acting school. After graduating I ended up staying in the city, working as a celebrity assistant and launching my own underwear brand.

I feel like being away from everybody I knew made it easier to be myself. I made friends who were gay. Because my whole circle in New York was gay, I felt able to be open about my sexuality.

I loved living my life as a gay man, but I wasn’t ready to say that to anybody back home. I didn’t want them to think I had lied to them for my whole life. I don’t like confrontation and I didn’t want to be put in a position where that might happen. So, I lived my life in New York and didn’t think anybody needed to know anything else.

Making a documentary about my clothing brand

While I was in acting school, I would travel to LA for auditions. I was staying there for a couple of days when I met my ex-boyfriend. He was a barista and wrote his number on the cup. It was kind of like love at first sight. He moved to live with me in New York after around a month; however, if my parents came to visit, we told them he was my roommate.

I started my underwear business before meeting my ex-boyfriend and my dad had invested some money into it. We were together all the time, but everyone back home thought he was my best friend. Eventually, I asked my father if my boyfriend could become my partner in the company.

My dad agreed and my boyfriend and I started working on the brand together. Shortly afterwards, I decided I wanted to make a documentary about the business. It was supposed to be one long film about the company, which would be used for promotion.

I hired an entire production team and everything was ready to start filming in New York, but a week before we started shooting my ex-boyfriend broke up with me. I was devastated; I think that first heartbreak is always the hardest.

After that I kind of fell out of the closet to my family. I called my mum in pieces and she didn’t have to ask, she just understood. She flew to New York that same night.

Agreeing to make a reality TV show

I didn’t even know if I wanted to continue with the brand or the show, but a lot of money was already invested into it and a producer said: “Besides this specific story your life is more reality show than a documentary, there is always drama in your life. Let’s just film it and transform it into a reality show.”

I have always loved reality shows, Kim Kardashian is my idol, so I agreed. My family supported that decision and said: “Just film, do what you know how to do.” That is how it came about. It ended up being a reality series following my business and personal life, instead of a documentary.

The break-up had caused me to come out to my mom, who told the rest of my family, but I knew all my friends back home would see the show, which was now only a little bit about the underwear brand and mostly about my break up.

I knew this series was going to be public. It was going to be everywhere and would force me to say that I am gay to the rest of the world. I wasn’t ready, I was thrown out of the closet, but it was for the best.

Coming out as gay to friends and family

After deciding to go ahead with the reality show, the filming process took around a year and a half. As part of the series, I had to go home to Israel and film with my friends. But, of course, that meant I had to tell them about my sexuality along the way.

I received a mixed reaction from my friends. Some said they had always known, but had waited for me to say something, but others got mad and said I had lived a lie for my whole life. But I wasn’t really living a lie. To those types of friends I would just say: “It’s not about you, it’s about me.”

The reaction of my family was amazing. My brothers were the best people ever and my mom was instantly supportive. My dad found it a little harder to accept and understand at the beginning.

I was kind of scared to go home and face him, but when I did a couple months after, he acted totally normally with me. He was more shocked than anything. He said: “You will always be my son and I will always support you.”

He’s in a different place after a few years, he can see that I am happily married and that life is okay when you’re gay. I believe he was scared at the beginning, because he didn’t know what to expect. I always say to those who haven’t come out yet, we expect the worst, but people may surprise you.

If I could go back in time, I would keep everything the way it is. Although I wish I hadn’t felt as broken as I did when my relationship ended, I don’t think I would have had the nerve to come out otherwise, so I believe it was God’s plan. I could have wasted so many years hiding my true self.

This is my story and I am happy with that. It was difficult, but at the same time it was a beautiful experience—because I found out how amazing my family is.

On Mekahel is an Israeli actor, model, business owner and social media influencer based in Los Angeles. He is the founder of underwear company Mounderwear and the central character in 2018 reality show Putting On. You can follow his Instagram page at @iamonmekahel.

All views expressed in this article are the author’s own.

As told to Newsweek editor, Monica Greep.

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