How to support a teen who’s come out as gay – ABC Life

When my son, Winston, came out as gay, I was ready.

My face was ready. My embrace, my loving and supportive words were ready. (To be honest, they always are. I’m his number one fan.)

More recently, Winston has wanted me to write about his identity; he doesn’t want it to be a secret in any way. At just 13, he’s gay pride personified.

I realised that as a parenting writer, it would be almost disingenuous not to identify myself as the proud mum of a gay young man — and secrecy, which is the opposite of what Winston wanted, would send a terrible message to my son.

So, I ‘came out’ on social media.

We received a lot of support, and Winston is so proud of me. It was a parenting nail (among plenty of parenting fails).

One may think the right thing to do from here is to treat my kid as though he were straight, or, as some might say, “normal”. I don’t think it’s as, ahem, straightforward as that.

Like it or not, Winston is part of a minority group — the LGBTQI community — and even though it’s 2020, his experiences will reflect that.

So, I’ve spoken to him about the concept of discrimination which will be part of his life. Heavy, I know.

As part of two major minority groups myself — as a woman of colour and a sole parent — I know there will be times he needs to explain and defend himself. Where his identity will be questioned. When he won’t be accepted. All just for being gay.

It’s my job to help him navigate those complexities; and I must acknowledge what I can offer is limited.

‘You’re now part of a global community’

How can I really help him when I have no lived experience of being anything other than a straight woman? There is so much about gay culture that I don’t know, and nuances that I couldn’t possibly understand.

So, I turned to two gay friends to ask for advice on, quite simply, how to avoid Winston being in therapy about things I might unknowingly say or do ‘wrong’.

“They say when your child comes out, so do you,” my dear friend and my son’s ‘guncle’ Adam Bub tells me.

“That can be really confronting for a lot of parents, whether you’re cool with it or not.

“You’re now the ‘parent of a gay child’, but we should really reframe that to be ‘You’re the parent of a child who loves you so much they want you to know who they really are, and be a part of their life’.”

This incredible insight is one I’ll remember forever. As a mum, it made me feel like I’ve done something right. Adam explains that coming out is significant, and can’t be minimised.

“When your child can finally say ‘I’m gay’, they really, really know. They’ve turned themselves in knots, and this is the truth that feels the most honest and freeing.

“What you do with that information will play a huge role in how happy they are in their lives.”

Adam shares that when coming out as a cis gay male at 16, the hardest part was the weight of society’s expectations — and the presumption that everyone is straight.

Adam adds that the experience of parenting a gay person is a magical one for the parents who are open to it/obsessed with their children and want to know everything that’s happening in their lives — like me.

“You’re now part of a global community — the LGBTI community! And it’s a rainbow for a good reason,” he tells me excitedly.

“There are so many diverse sub-groups within the community, you can always find someone to talk to, whether you’re from a South Asian background (in Sydney we have the group Trikone) or are the parent of a trans child (in NSW we have Twenty10 and The Gender Centre).”

This is the sort of stuff I need to know if I don’t want to become a spectator in Winston’s life, and leave him to find his place as a minority all on his own.

Be mindful of your words

I also asked my friend Sean Szeps, proud gay father of twins (as he describes himself on Instagram), with his partner, Josh, if he had any tips for me.

“Whatever you need, I’m there for you”, was Sean’s response to my son coming out.

Sean agrees that the home environment is essential.

“The first thing I always say to parents of LGBTQI+ youth is that it’s critical for you to instantly create a safe space for your child. Solidify your house and your arms as the safest spaces on planet Earth.

“You can do this by saying, ‘I love you and support you, no matter what. This house is always a place for you to discuss your life honestly and bring home anyone you love.'”

Sean also warns that parents should be careful with their words — beyond simply not being homophobic.

“Some parents will say ‘who you choose to love’ when attempting to express acceptance, which can accidentally perpetuate the stereotype that being LGBTQI+ is a choice,” Sean explains.

“This can tip them off to your lack of understanding, which may in turn make them feel even more isolated at home.

“Same with ‘just a phase’ and ‘I always knew’. Both, sadly, can feel like direct attacks on their emotional and sometimes anxious-filled experience of coming out. Just avoid them entirely, if possible.”

Got it: standing in your child’s shoes is the key to good communication.

Sean believes that parents can play a role in their kids coming out to others, especially as they will probably have to do it many times in their lives.

“This solidifies that you’re their person. The person who is safe to explore difficult conversations and interactions.”

Acknowledge different perspectives

Paying attention to social media is something Sean recommends for both parents and their teen, as living proof of the joys of the community.

“Follow or digest content from LGBTQI+ personalities on social media who are living proof of ‘it gets better’. This can have a major impact on their perception of what’s possible in the future.

“The Real Dads of Melbourne or Love From Your Dads on Instagram are great examples of gay couples who have chosen to have children, showing them that it is, in fact, a possibility for them.

“Aussie authors like Harry Cook write gay romance novels that are teen-friendly. Getting your hands on Fin & Rye & Fireflies will bring relatable content into your son’s life, which can have a lasting impact on how they perceive the world around them.

Sean also believes that parents need to be honest about what they don’t know; such as me acknowledging that I don’t have any lived experience as a gay person.

“Just because you have ‘gay friends’ or ‘a gay hairdresser’ does not mean you understand the nuances of your child’s experience — past, present or future.

“Admitting that their situation is unique and that they will experience things in the future that you don’t have experience with creates a beautiful space for honest dialogue for years to come.

“The homosexual experience is different from the heterosexual experience. By ‘treating them the same’ you may miss out on the nuances of life as an LGBTQI+ youth.

“Dating rules, bullying, same-sex friendships and sex tips are different for gay men versus straight men, and you don’t want to miss out on the chance to highlight those through honest conversations.”

Stay alert to schoolyard bullies

And a final thing: take note of what is happening at school.

“LGBTQI+ youth are more likely to be bullied,” Sean warns.

“Ask them about school and closely monitor their behaviour. Signs like a drop in grades, shift in friendship groups, loss of weight or big behaviour changes at home might tip you off.”

I know Winston and I have a road to travel.

But the most important thing is that he knows I’m with him all the way; or, at least, trying my very best to be.

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