High School Bully Instills Confidence in Gay Classmate. [Video] – The Good Men Project

Hi, my name is Remy Wilbanks.  I am from Chicago, Illinois.

My story kind of starts out with my mom  falling down a flight of stairs, aand she

had me prematurely at one pound, five ounces  back in 1990. I was in the hospital, I think,

for like three months. My mother also was in the  hospital for almost as long. And I remember…

the story is is that her leg was hoisted up in  some type of gurney and that we were separated.

You know, I had a rough life, you know,  coming up, always being smaller than

all the rest of the kids. I was always,  like, super short. I was super delayed,

and every milestone that a child  would have, I was super delayed.

My mom was a single mom. So it was… it  was super tough for us growing up. She

did the best that she could. One thing that I  would say that really shaped me was the early

ways that I was communicated with. In my house.  I was called the R-word. So for me back then,

the R-word, you know, when kids used it, it  was… it was a negative term to call anyone.

It was followed with, you know, things  like I wasn’t attractive. I was ugly.

I didn’t look right. And I was always  reminded of that. I was always reminded that

I looked different. I truly attributed it to being  kind of the run of the litter and being told by,

you know, the… the caretakers in my life that  that was the fact, that if I wasn’t the R-word,

maybe I would be attractive or maybe I would  be intelligent. It was reinforced daily. It

wasn’t something that was just every now and  then this was my name. This was who I was.

And I accept – I deeply accepted it and – for many  years, until I became a freshman in high school,

I got into biology class and I realized –  I was sitting at the table and it was like

a long lab table. I had one friend across from  me that knew. I had another friend that I knew

that was next to me, but I didn’t know this  girl. The only thing I knew about the girl

that sat kind of diagonal from me was that she  was a big time bully. So when she talked to me,

I was really freaked out. I’m  like, Why is she talking to me?

And she’s like, “Hey, can I ask you a question?”

And I’m like, “Sure.”

And she’s like, “You are really, really cute.”

And I’m like, “Really?”

And she’s like, “Why are you shocked?

I’m like, “Because, my whole life, you  know, I was told the very opposite.”

And she’s like, “Who told you that?” And when I told her it was one of my

caretakers, you know, that had told me this  my whole life she’s like, “They’re lying.”

She was like, “What else did they tell you?”

And I’m like, “That I’m  really not that smart either.”

And she’s like, “I’ve watched you in  this class.” She’s like, “You know,

more than everybody and it’s biology.” She’s  like, “Why would this person tell you this?”

I’m like, “I don’t know. I just…  I feel like it’s the truth.”

And she’s like, “No, I’ve actually  been watching you. And I’ve been

wondering why you… you seem like you  kind of stay to yourself.” She’s like,

“But you’re real, real, real smart.” And she’s  like, “And I just want to tell you that you are

really, really fine. And I just want you to know  that. And whoever told you that is lying to you.

And I think that you should really embrace  the fact that you’re like a bombshell.”

My teacher at the time overheard this and I was  known to be a very bad kid. I didn’t do anything.

I only took the test and I always  pass my… my midterms or whatever,

but I never actually did the coursework.

And so she’s like, “Is that why you’re so bad?”

And I looked and she – I was annoyed that she  was eavesdropping and I’m like, “Yeah.” I’m like,

“Because I’m like, I’m not… I’m stupid anyway,  so, you know, it really doesn’t matter if I do

the work or not, because I’m not that… I know  that I’m bad and I know that I’m not smart.”

And she’s like, “You actually have the highest  test scores. Every time you take the test,

you don’t just pass them. That’s  why I’m angry with you because you,

it’s not that you don’t know how to do the  work.” She said, “But is it because somebody

is telling you that you’re, that you’re  not smart and you deeply believe that?”

And I’m like, “Yeah.” I remember the  teacher and his bully looked at each other

and they’re kind of, like, in shock that… that  maybe somebody actually affected me. And then

that’s the first time I think I took inventory,  that what I had been told was a complete lie.

And, you know, I just started to push  back. I thought that I started to fight

after that day and… and fight everything that  was told to me. I challenged everything was,

you know, wonder – questioning  if it was a lie or not.

My last three years of high school, I graduated…  graduated at Bloominsure High School with,

I think, more credits than my entire  class. I became a super workaholic

and an overachiever. And that was always… it  was almost like I was playing catch-up. And I

went and worked in plastic surgery. I went and  worked in politics. I went and worked in the

animal hospitals. I worked in psychiatry, and  now I’m working that Howard Brown and it’s…

my whole life mission is to  hopefully impact someone else.

I look back at that… that time in  my life. And it always helps me to,

whenever I meet any… anybody who’s down,  out, anybody who’s self-loathing or someone

who’s self-deprecating in any way, I always  grab them and say, “Who told you that?”

Many of my employees will come to me and say  things that they don’t – that are negative that

they believe about themselves. And I’m always  challenging them and I’m always reminding them

of that bully in my life that  .. that told me the truth.

So I always tell them challenge anything  that doesn’t fit. If it doesn’t fit,

if it doesn’t flow with who you are or who you  want to be, let it go and rewrite a new story.

Tell yourself… say it outloud whatever it is  that you do believe in your – about yourself.

I lived so many years of childhood filled with  being told a lie, being told that you’re the…

the… the ugliest, probably, scum bottom of  your shoe. And so now that I have a choice, when

I… when I believe as a child, maybe I didn’t  have a choice. But as an adult, the way it has

impacted me as a queer gay man is to show up with  all my beauty and, and make no apologies for it.