Global HIV vaccine trial ends in disappointment – Washington Blade
Editor’s note: The Blade has covered several suicides in our community in recent months. Sadly, the holidays are a time of increased anxiety, isolation, and depression for many. The following is a first-person account of surviving suicide along with resources and information on where to get help if you are in crisis. There is an abundance of resources addressing the unique needs of the LGBTQ community. If you have a personal story you’d like to share with Blade readers about overcoming suicidal ideation, depression, addiction, or isolation, please email us at [email protected].
In late winter 2015 it would have seemed that I had everything going for me — a successful drag career (hosting at Town Friday and Saturday nights), and an extremely busy priesthood that consumed my time, especially with preparation for the upcoming holidays. My family life contained the usual stressors. I have plenty of friends, acquaintances, and a handful of very close friends, and dare I say a few fans.
Looking from the outside, my life seemed normal (normal for me). No one would have ever expected me to consider suicide. More and more, depression continually rolled over me like a tidal wave and I found myself with no purpose or defense. I had experienced depression before, but never to this magnitude. It became unbearable; a feeling of worthlessness and sheer sadness with anxiety that consumed me. My days were filled with pain and my nights with unrelenting insomnia, one right after the other.
Being a person of faith required that I make peace with my decision and my creator. I believed that a God who so loves me would not want me to suffer under such a crushing weight of depression. The Lord is a God of mercy, and how could a merciful God show anything but mercy? I realized that suicide was my best option, despite the many resources available to me, such as The National Suicide Prevention hotline (1-800-273-8255), the various suicide prevention organizations (The Trevor Project, A.F.S.P., Outreach by the DC Center), and now the newly established 988 number.
I availed myself of none. I reached out to no one. I believed no one would understand my situation. I was embarrassed that I could not handle my own life and therefore concluded that taking my own life would cause little fuss.
So, on Dec. 6, 2015, I Googled “What are the least painful ways to kill yourself?” No. 2 in the search was “shoot yourself in the heart.” The page promised it would be quick and painless. So, I devised a plan, the first thing I needed to do was pick a day. I picked Dec. 11, 2015. I made a list of all the other things I needed or wanted to get accomplished before the day. Chores as simple as getting my hair cut and setting out the clothes I wanted to be buried in. I decided on a last meal. A very simple shrimp salad from Cameron’s on 16th Street. The writing of 12 individual handwritten letters (which were to serve as my suicide notes). I wrote a special letter to the boys who were going to take care of my everything, my French Bulldog Christian, He would stay with me until the end, and then he would be someone else’s love.
If anything, during this period my depression and hopelessness had grown even deeper. It was a bitter cold day on the 11th of December. At 2:55 p.m., I took a 38-caliber revolver, placed it over my heart and pulled the trigger. The loud noise and smell are what I remember first. It was so loud my ears were ringing and the smell of gunpowder filled the area I was standing in (not a pleasant odor). It is nothing like we see in the movies or on television. First and foremost what I found shocking to me was that I did not fall down, but instead I was walking around for 8-10 minutes before the bullet had done enough damage causing me to lie down and eventually pass out.
I thought I must have done it wrong. After all, why was I still upright and moving around? Then the pain started to set in. Oh, the pain! The greatest pain I have ever felt in my life. I would later reflect that it was the pain that caused me to eventually pass out, that is how severe it was. I passed out before the ambulance arrived. I was lucky enough to have a friend call for emergency services. Once I arrived at MedStar I underwent a 21-hour surgery. The bullet missed my heart by three centimeters; further proof that Americans are awful at the metric system. I was put in a medically induced coma for 10 days. I would later have three additional surgeries to correct various issues. The bullet nicked a rib and traveled downward. I spent a month and three weeks in the hospital. The surgeons removed a portion of my liver, and completely removed my gallbladder, spleen, a portion of my lower intestine and appendix. Likewise, they repaired some major damage done to my stomach.
Waking up with my wrists bound and a breathing tube down my throat was horrific (I would rather have died). At first, I was angry that I had not succeeded. I could not believe where I found myself — it was not supposed to be like this! Once the breathing tube was removed my recovery began and, with it, a whole new story. During recovery I had to avail myself of counseling and was diagnosed with severe depression and acute anxiety. I was started on numerous medications and therapy.
Throughout all of this, I was fortunate enough to have many visitors from the community — friends, family, and some folks I had only known from interacting socially at the club. Perhaps one of the more profound lessons I learned through this process is that my death would have caused pain for so may people.
I keep up with my counseling and medications to minimize suicidal thoughts. To someone who is suicidal and it seems like it is the only option out, you are wrong. It requires courage to reach out. Depression is worn inwards and it can weigh a ton at times. But no one has to go through this alone. There are plenty of groups that specialize in helping those who are suicidal especially in OUR LGBT community.
CRISIS RESOURCES
988. The new 988 suicide and crisis lifeline is available 24 hours/day and offers telephone and online chat.
The Trevor Project: 866-488-7386. The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to LGBTQ young people ages 13-24.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255 (online chat available).The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential support to people in suicidal crisis 24/7.
Crisis Text Line: Text START to 741-741, a free, 24/7 support for those in crisis.
The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline: 888-843-4564. Provides telephone, online private one-to-one chat and email peer-support, as well as information and local resources across the United States.
Trans Lifeline: 877-565-8860. Trans Lifeline is a trans-led organization that connects trans people to the community, support, and resources
The True Colors United, 212-461-4401. The True Colors Fund works to end homelessness among LGBTQ youth.
Self Abuse Finally Ends (S.A.F.E). Addresses individuals coping with non-suicidal self-injury, including locally based information, support and therapy referrals.
U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233. Operating around the clock, seven days a week, confidential and free, the National Domestic Violence Hotline provides lifesaving tools and immediate support to enable victims to find safety and live lives free of abuse.
Rape Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN): 800-656-HOPE/800-810-7440 (TTY). The nation’s largest organization fighting sexual violence, RAINN also carries out programs to prevent sexual violence, help victims and ensure that rapists are brought to justice.
SMYAL, smyal.org. D.C.-based organization advocating for LGBTQ youth.
D.C. Department of Mental Health Access Helpline, 888-7WE-HELP.
Wanda Alston Foundation (202-733-3643) in D.C. provides transitional living and support services to homeless and at-risk LGBTQ youth ages 18-24.
(This list was compiled by PFLAG and Blade staff )