Dear Prudie: Fiancé a slob when working from home. – Slate

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Dear Prudence,

My fiancé has started to telecommute full time and it is affecting our relationship. He has turned into a complete slob: unkempt beard, PJs day in and out, eating junk food, slacking on chores. We used to both be vigilant about keeping up the house, but now if I want dishes done before I come home to cook, I have to do them myself. I have to fight traffic, get groceries, and come home to the equivalent of a teenager playing video games. I can’t help but resent that he plays four hours every day while I struggle to find an hour to go to the gym. It is killing our sex life. I don’t find him attractive. I don’t even want to kiss him with that scratchy, scraggly beard. We were great before and now everything is taking a nosedive. Help, please. We aren’t even married yet!

Tell him everything you just told me, and then tell him it’s affecting your relationship so seriously that you feel like you’re in a “nosedive.” If he decides to return to adulthood, and recommences doing the dishes, occasionally putting on shoes, helping you out with the groceries, and periodically leaving the house—so much the better. If he doesn’t, and if he knows that you’re struggling to find even an hour of time for yourself throughout the day and continues to ignore your shared household duties because he’s so enamored with the allure of telecommuting, then you should run out of this relationship grateful to have dodged a bullet. —Danny M. Lavery

From: “Help! My Fiancé Turned Into a Disgusting Slob After He Started Working From Home.” (Oct. 28, 2019)

Dear Prudence,

I am a young woman who recently married a very successful athlete. He is caring, kind, and thoughtful. We both want children, but in a world where so many children are without loving homes, I can’t imagine having biological offspring when we could provide a wonderful life for children who would never otherwise have one. My husband has always been supportive of this, but recently he brought up an interesting proposition. His ex-wife, who is older than me and has never remarried, asked him to be a sperm donor. She has a successful career and would not need financial support, but I think the proposition is bizarre. He argues that they both have excellent genetics that would be “wasted” if they do not jump at what could be their only chance to have biological children. He said it is no different from donating sperm to a bank, except that he knows the mother will be able to provide well for his offspring. The two split amicably due to pressures of both of their careers. Am I being selfish to say she should find another sperm donor?

There are many issues to sort out here, among them the materials and methods section of your husband’s proposal. The material is his sperm, but you haven’t elaborated the method of its delivery. Somehow I doubt these former lovers would go the turkey baster route. Additionally, no matter how much money the ex makes, your husband would be the father of the child, thus legally he would likely have a financial responsibility for his offspring, and morally he would definitely have an emotional one. It’s not hard to imagine that if they had a baby together, he and his ex would start to wonder why they split in the first place. So I agree with your instincts that this is a terrible idea for your marriage. But even if your husband tells his ex to go to a sperm bank and pick some other superb specimen out of the catalog, it does not solve your essential problem. Your husband wants to father a child. That is a normal desire, and if you two have a biological child or children it won’t ruin the world. Nor will procreating prevent you from trying to make life better for children in dire circumstances. You could go on to adopt children. You could put your time and resources into organizations working with needy kids. You and your husband must have a very honest conversation about what you really want out of life and what compromises you both are willing to make for each other. Or you may find yourself trying to adopt alone. —Emily Yoffe

From: “Help! My Husband Wants to Donate Sperm to His Ex-Wife.” (July 18, 2013)

Dear Prudence,

My mother-in-law is generous and dotes on our 3-year-old son. We live less than an hour away and visit every Sunday. She invites us to spend the night on holidays, but never in the spare room. Instead we sleep on an air mattress downstairs. They let other guests (and our son) stay in the spare room. My mother-in-law has accused me of snooping a few times. I never have. I think she doesn’t want me upstairs. My husband defended me from those accusations, and my father-in-law apologized to me on her behalf. She has a hot temper, but she eventually apologized too. But she still makes sure I never go upstairs. If I need something for my son that’s in his room, she’ll go out of her way to get it for me. I feel resentful at the thought of another New Year’s on an air mattress on the floor in the living room. My husband doesn’t think it’s a big deal, but he doesn’t have a good reason for why she does it either.

My main concern is that you visit your in-laws every week (that’s 52 visits a year!) under conditions of obvious suspicion and scrutiny. I think you and your husband ought to talk about cutting back. Surely you can think of other things you’d enjoy doing with your Sundays. Just because your in-laws love your son and you live an hour away doesn’t mean you have to dedicate every single Sunday to seeing them. You could cut back to one or two visits a month and still consider yourself an exceptionally tightknit family. As for not wanting to sleep on an air mattress on a different floor from your son—that’s a perfectly reasonable desire, and I can’t think of any reason why you shouldn’t politely decline to spend the night and drive home. You don’t have to make the announcement rudely or petulantly. It won’t ruin the holiday. It’ll just mean a good night’s sleep for you and a more enjoyable New Year’s brunch the next day. —D.L.

From: “Help! My Mother-in-Law Makes Me Sleep on an Air Mattress.” (Dec. 26, 2019)

Dear Prudence,

 Like most people, I have my fair share of obligatory familial Facebook friends. Usually I just ignore them and block their applications, but one in particular has been bothering me lately. She got pregnant and announced it very early, despite a history of miscarriages, and then proceeded to keep the world updated as to the growth and non-growth of the fetus and, eventually, the intimate and gory details of the pain and bleeding at the end. Now I’ve known enough women who’ve gone through this to have some grasp of what a painful and traumatizing event a miscarriage can be, and I also understand that many women with fertility issues feel like it’s something shameful that needs to be kept deeply secret and that this isn’t healthy. But I find myself feeling less sympathy than discomfort at what feels more like a public plea for attention than anything else. And then I feel like a horrible person for not just feeling pity for her. Am I right that this is a little over the top, or am I just continuing a trend of trying to keep this sort of issue in the closet? Some things don’t need to be on Facebook.

Thank you for the weekly Facebook update documenting the ways this technology brings to one’s inbox things we wish we didn’t know. At least she didn’t put the conception on the newsfeed. I, too, have no idea why someone would provide real-time updates of her most private, painful moments to everyone she knows. It may be a plea for attention, but you don’t have to give any. An impersonal, public announcement is just that. But if what your friend is posting makes you so uncomfortable, just defriend her. —E.Y.

From: “Rude commuters, quitting tobacco, Facebook overshare, gay acceptance” (April 11, 2011)

More Advice From Dear Prudence

I have a friend who makes jewelry to give others on holidays and birthdays. I love homemade gifts, and I understand the time and love that goes into making something. The problem is the quality is absolutely terrible.

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