Dear Ashley: Is My Husband Gay? – MadameNoire

Welcome to Dear Ashley, a weekly sex column in which Sex Expert Ashley Cobb answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! From threesomes, anal sex,  finding the right sex toy and everything in between. Have a sex question, Ashley “Your Favorite Friend In Filth” has an answer. For questions on sex email Ashley at ashley@sexwithashley.com Do

Dear Ashley,

I have been married for 28 years. My husband has been suffering from erectile dysfunction or so he claims, we haven’t had sex in three years. I recently found out he is has been having sex with trans women. So now I’m confused. He says, he isn’t gay. I kicked him out and found tons of condom wrappers, lubes, and anal plugs. Should I give him another chance or is he really gay?

Dear Mrs. Confused,

For starters, if you are writing in asking if you should stay, you really want to stay. And that’s ok. I’m not married, you made vows with your husband if you want to stay, then stay. But know this, your husband enjoys having sex with women who have penises. The bigger question here is are you ok with your husband engaging in sexual relationships outside of your marriage? And are you okay with those relationships being with someone who has a penis? If the answer to either of these questions is no, then it may be time to reevaluate your marriage.

Did you ask your husband what attracts him to trans women? Maybe he enjoys being penetrated. Is this something you are open to exploring with him? Wearing a strap on could be an alternative. Also, has he ever talked to you about using anal plugs on him before you found them? I don’t know the extent of your relationship but it’s a good chance your husband did not feel 100% comfortable sharing his sexual desires with you and that is another problem. I envision marriages to be a safe space for both me and my spouse to share our desires, fantasies and secrets without judgement. I want my spouse to feel safe enough to talk about any and all sexual desires, even the ones that don’t appeal to me. I want to hold space for them to share with me knowing that together we will come up with a solution that works for both of us. 

If you want to keep your marriage I strongly suggest seeking therapy, preferably a sex therapist. A sex therapist can help you both navigate this in a healthy way. In addition to the other issues going on, the fact still remains your husband lied and is a cheater. Trust that took 28 years to build has been broken and it will take professional help to get it back. 

Hope this helps!

Ashley Cobb, is the millennial microphone that brings the conversation of Black women’s pleasure to the forefront. Creator of digital platform Sex With Ashley, her work and words have been featured in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Shape Magazine, Business Insider and Huffington Post. Follow her on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter via @sexwithashley

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